The postpartum change curve

Congratulations! You’ve just welcomed a baby into the world—and it’s a big freakin’ deal! Just like with any major life shift, you’re probably experiencing a whirlwind of emotions.

But here’s the thing: these ups and downs are completely normal.

Most people respond to change of any kind (a big move, a new job, etc.) by following an expected sequence of emotions. In the corporate world (where I spend most of my days), this is what’s known as the “Change Curve.” Long story short: people respond to change by resisting it, going through several “negative” emotions before bottoming out and then taking some small steps toward exploring the new change and accepting how it can work within their lives.

The Postpartum Change Curve

When you’re postpartum, you’ll also be going through a change journey. This overview will guide you through what I’m calling The Postpartum Change Curve, helping you understand the emotions you might be feeling. We’ll explore the different stages and why it’s perfectly normal to feel like most days you’re taking two steps forward and one step back.

Change is not a linear journey, especially one as big as having a baby. Most matrescence experts believe the postpartum phase lasts at least six months, and can last upwards of two to three years for some women. (Quite honestly, my youngest is four, and I still feel postpartum sometimes.) You’re probably going to waffle between stages before fully entering a new one, and that’s 100% normal.

This might be a wild ride, but by understanding the Postpartum Change Curve, you’ll be better equipped to navigate it with grace, self-compassion, and the knowledge that you’re absolutely not alone.

Stage 1: Shock & Disbelief

The “big” change has happened... you now have a baby! Your body is still reeling from your birth experience, your brain is wondering if they’re really going to let you take this baby home alone... with no support... no midwife or doctor or nurse. Just you. And guess what, they are! So you buckle that baby up in your new car seat and hope for the best, still not sure this is really happening and feeling like you just ejected what felt like a watermelon out of your body.

At this point, it’s normal to feel like things are surreal.

I distinctly remember encountering this stage after the birth of my first. It was a few hours after labor ended, and we’d moved from the labor room to the recovery room. My partner and my dad were asleep, but I was wide awake. My daughter was sleeping next to me in her bassinet, and I had one hand gently resting on top of her. I willed my body to rest, but I could not for the life of me shake the feeling that if I closed my eyes, she wouldn’t be there anymore once I opened them again. The experience only felt real if I was alert, awake and staring at her to make sure she was safe and there.

Stage 2: Awe

I use the word “awe” very intentionally, because it captures both the sacred wonder and joy that can come post-birth, as well as the awestruck fear you might feel while encountering something so new.

For many new moms, this is a period of high highs and low lows. You might be in a cozy cocoon surging with the love hormone oxytocin. Your partner is probably still home from work. The meal train is in full swing, and you’ve got food being handed over to you. But despite any highs you’re feeling as you get to know your baby, you’ll probably still feel postpartum blues as your hormones level out. And if you’re breastfeeding, you’ll have to contend with that learning curve as well.

It’s a mixed-bag of emotions that can change at the drop of a hat, and you might feel powerless to that experience. To feel awe as a human is to feel small and helpless sometimes, to feel as if there’s something bigger and greater than yourself pulling the strings and calling the shots.

For me, this phase was truly awe-inducing, in both the best and worst ways. I have gorgeous memories of my baby, my husband and our two cats all snuggled in bed together for a week straight. We were learning the tactile feelings of being a family, and I felt so held and loved. On the flip side, I was also in sheer awe at how HARD breastfeeding was, and I struggled fiercely with feeding challenges, even ending up in the ER seven days postpartum for mastitis.

Looking back, I can see that this was my first crash-course lesson in how motherhood would change my life: I no longer have no control (and maybe I never really did)!

Stage 3: The Haze

This is when shit really kicks in. Your partner is probably back at work. Daily support has probably trickled to a slow drip of some text messages here and there, but you’re now at home alone, with this baby, and you’ve got to figure it out by yourself. The magnitude of this change is probably starting to set in at this point, as you load the washing machine with your fourth load of the week (how can a baby go through this much clothing???). You move through the typical, monotonous cycle of your day: feed the baby, try to enjoy the baby’s wake window, feed the baby again, put the baby down for a nap, hurry to load the dishwasher, try to straighten up, attempt to “sleep when the baby sleeps” but then scroll your phone and feel guilty about doing that instead of something more productive.

This is the beginning of what I like to call the “WTF Phase,” as in: WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME IT WAS LIKE THIS? I remember feeling a little duped, stranded even. I was definitely more irritable, and my body got agitated more easily by the slightest things. I felt like something bad was going to happen all the time.

That’s because when the reality of change starts to sink in, it’s pretty normal for people to viscerally feel their perceived lack of control as irritability, anger, or fear. Your brain demands to know why this is happening to you, and how soon you can get the situation “fixed.” When you’re postpartum, however, you’re also contending with hormones going haywire. It’s a lot, and it can feel like a very overwhelming time in your life, especially if you feel isolated and like you’re without support.

Stage 4: Unrealistic Expectations

At this stage, you’re really ready for this change to be DONE. You miss parts of your old life (like sleeping in or not having another human attached to your body at all times), and you start trying to grasp at those remnants as much as possible to prove to yourself that YOU ARE STILL YOU. This can show up in a number of ways, but generally it looks like trying to do things that used to work, and then realizing they don’t really work anymore.

For example, when I was cleared after my six-week postpartum check to “resume normal activities,” I immediately went home that afternoon and went on a run. I was so excited to do something just for me. Imagine my surprise when five minutes into the run, my pelvic floor felt like it was going to fall out onto the sidewalk. I had to stop, and walked and cried the whole way home completely defeated that this one thing I was looking forward to doing to help me feel like myself again was still not an option.

Another example? I attempted to go on my first post-baby hike with the baby while my husband was at work. I thought it would be easy to do it solo. Cut to an hour later trying to run through all of the stuff I might need “just in case.” My hiking backpack was stuffed with baby items, and I never stopped to consider how I’d carry the bag while also wearing my baby. I ended up giving up, sitting on the couch and watching TV instead—all the while feeling like a failure.

Another mom I know was looking forward to getting a drink with one of her single friends who didn’t have kids. She was looking forward to it the whole day, got herself all done up to go out, and when she was 30 minutes in, she was exhausted, missed the baby, and her friend wasn’t asking her any questions about her life as a new mom.

It’s truly a bargaining phase at this point: You are trying to make the old work in the new, because it’s comfortable and familiar. You’re seeking a compromise: I can have this baby, whom I love, and still be me. Only the truth is more nuanced than that, and nothing sets you up to feel guilt, resentment or frustration faster than having unrealistic expectations.

Stage 5: The Pit

If you’ve been living with all of those unrealistic expectations (trying new things and feeling like you’re failing) and feeling unsupported or alone, at some point, you’ll reach The Pit. I call this the pit because it feels like you’ll be stuck in this phase forever and that things will always be this hard. It’s incredibly hard to have perspective when you’re in The Pit. You often feel hopeless, as if nothing you do or try will ever work. You are almost completely unmotivated to try new things or figure out new solutions.

Remember that attempt at hiking I was telling you about? That experience of defeat, coupled with my daughter’s breastfeeding issues, was demoralizing enough that I stopped trying to do anything for several weeks. I ended up telling myself that outings weren’t worth it. I’d scroll and search for new mom groups and circles, then give up and stay home instead. I became a really unreliable narrator, telling myself a lot of stories that weren’t true. It’s easy to see that now, with seven years of perspective, but at the time, I was solidly in The Pit. It was hard for me to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel, and I easily isolated myself.

At this phase of the Postpartum Change Curve, it’s incredibly important to watch out for signs of postpartum mood disorders, like depression, anxiety or OCD. If you’re feeling stuck, it’s worth reaching out to a friend, therapist or doula. The only way out of a pit is up, and quite honestly, postpartum moms deserve and need a network of people that can craft a ladder to help you out. (Side note: Feeling quick to anger and irritability is a very commonly overlooked marker of PPMD that isn’t talked about very often, because it’s just not culturally acceptable for women to express anger. So if this is happening to you, just know that it’s actually normal, you aren’t crazy, and there are so many support systems out there that can help.)

Stage 6: Baby Steps

At some point, you will realize that The Pit does not, in fact, last forever. You will eventually see a light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll start taking some slow and easy movements toward that light. Rigidity starts to loosen up here as you experiment with new ways of doing things or taking care of yourself and your baby. Honestly, I think this phase comes only once you start to embrace discomfort. It’s really all about practice, because once you can trust yourself enough as a mom to handle new situations as they arise, then you start creating a positive feedback loop.

For me, there was also a lot less self-judgment once I reached this phase. I learned to lower my expectations significantly and finally forced myself to get out of the house. Each time we were able to finish an errand to the store or a coffee shop visit with a friend, my body and brain were able to communicate with each other: See? It went ok! She cried a little, but you soothed her, and no one was mean to you because your baby was loud. She didn’t take to the breast easily, but you had a bottle and milk on hand just in case! You did it!

My postpartum phase after my second was very different from my first, because it happened at the height of COVID. So it was a little easier, honestly, because everyone was learning to lower their expectations! Luckily, I had already engaged a therapist to support my postpartum transition, so I had someone helping me navigate the change. Because of this (and because it was my second postpartum experience), I was able to bounce out of The Pit a bit quicker. I knew The Pit wouldn’t last forever, so I was more open to new ways of being. Instead of running, I embraced strength training and yoga. I found a virtual circle of moms to gather with so I still felt a sense of community.

The Baby Steps stage is all about learning to trust yourself, which enables you to feel some calm in the midst of chaos. You’ll still have some hesitancy, but you move through it a lot more organically. You’re able to better detach yourself from the outcome.

Instead of: We will have a successful outing, your expectations adjust to something closer to: We will go out, and I am prepared to handle whatever happens. Instead of: I have to run in order to take care of myself, it adjusts to: There are a lot of ways I can move my body.

Change moves differently for different people, but this phase is probably not going to come your way until at least six to nine months postpartum.

Stage 7: Ok Yes!

Finally—that glorious feeling we’ve been waiting for: Ok, yes! I'm actually doing this mom thing! You’ve built up a reserve of self-trust, a resilience that lets you face challenges with a confident, I got this!

This phase isn’t about total control—it’s about knowing you can handle whatever curveballs motherhood throws (and trust me, there will be a lot!). But most days you are cool and calm, ready to go with the flow. You aren’t telling yourself as many crappy stories that aren’t true, and you’re able to more easily re-route those negative thoughts when they do pop up. I’m such a bad mom because I’m always tired becomes I’m doing a lot of hard work, and it’s really normal for me to feel exhausted.

But most importantly, you’re starting to truly enjoy being a mom. You discover new sides of yourself, and you like them!

For me, motherhood was a beautiful softening. I could embrace parts of myself I’d shut down in the corporate grind. One of my biggest “aha” moments came on a quiet afternoon. My three-year-old and I had incubated caterpillars during their cocoon stage, and they’d finally transformed into butterflies. We were outside getting ready to let them go in the garden. Watching those butterflies flutter up, baby on my chest, toddler by my side... it was pure peace and contentment.

This is the very nearly the end of the change curve. You’ve accepted the shift into motherhood. You’ve lowered your inhibitions, embraced the change, and now you’re excited to explore the new possibilities—and the new you!—that come with it.

Stage 8: The New Normal

This is where motherhood becomes, well, your new normal.

Here’s the reality: motherhood is always going to be a whirlwind, even when you’ve moved through all stages of the Postpartum Change Curve. As your kids get older, it gets easier and it gets harder. There will be moments of pure bliss and laughter, tangled right alongside frustration and exhaustion. (After all, we’re still actively parenting in a racist, patriarchal and capitalist culture that does not support moms at all.)

But the key difference here is that you finally embrace and are starting to understand your identity as a mom. Motherhood has become an integral part of who you are.

For me, this feeling didn't fully arrive until my children were closer to 18 months old. The change curve is a personal journey, and some of us take a little longer to navigate its twists and turns.

Now’s the time to keep experimenting, keep building your confidence, and keep solidifying those self-care practices that keep you feeling your best.

You’ve got this!

Looking for support through your Postpartum Change Curve? I’ve got you! I can help in those early days and stages, as well as the later stages as you’re trying to figure out how to integrate your pre- and post-baby identities.